Secrets Out: I'm In Love

Secrets Out: I'm In Love

I'm in love. After years and years of wanting to be in love I finally am, and it's great. This is one of the most important relationships in my life and I'm so grateful that it's finally happened for me. I bet you want to know who this mystery person is right? Well I'm going to tell you. It's me. I am in love with myself.

Ever since I was in middle school I had things that I didn't like about myself. Other kids would talk about me because I was different in the sense that I liked makeup or dyed my hair. I thought transferring out of private school and going to a public high school would be the answer. I believed that if I got out of a school filled with judgmental hypocrites, that I would be happier. And guess what? I was. Unfortunately, it didn't last long. Transferring to a public high school had it's ups and downs.I didn't know anyone and needed to make friends, but I was also finally free.

During my sophomore year of high school I had an extremely rough time, I was depressed and bullied. This took a huge toll on me physically and mentally. Some of you might look at me now and think "there's no way she was bullied", but I was because people are cruel. I knew the girl had other things going on with her at the time but it didn't matter. What she did to me hurt and caused some damage. With the loss of a friend group and a bad break up, I felt like everything in life was going wrong and I blamed myself. I hated myself for being the type of person that could even be subjected to being bullied or being weak and crying over a boy. As time went on things got better, but I still hated thinking about it (time does heal most wounds).

A lot changed during my four years of high school, I got taller, prettier, but also gained weight. I would constantly look around and compare myself to others and noticing that there were girls who were smarter, had better hair, looked good without makeup and were stick thin. I had the worst habit of constantly seeking validation from others. No matter what anyone else told me, I was constantly comparing myself to others and feeling incompetent. As graduation approached I lost a lot of weight in preparation for summer and going to college in Arizona. Things were good and I was feeling better about myself.

When I got to Arizona I was happy. I was the thinnest I'd ever been, I nailed my makeup techniques, I had new clothes and was about to join a sorority. After getting a bid from the sorority I fell in love with, I felt great. I felt beautiful and included and finally felt like I was enough. Until I realized that Arizona was a different world. The girls were even skinnier, tanner and had more expensive clothes than the people from my home town. I began to feel incompetent again. Validating my worth through buying nicer things, and getting attention from boys. This continued on through about halfway through my sophomore year before I realized something had to change. I was having trouble being happy in many situations because I was uncomfortable with myself.  I realized, why would anyone want to love someone who doesn't even love themselves? I knew then that before I could ever have a boyfriend or just be happy, I needed to love myself first.

My journey with learning to love myself hasn't been an easy one. I still critique myself from time to time, but overall I accept myself and I don't put myself down like I used to. That's not to say that I won't ever want to change something about myself, but when I make changes I know that it's to better myself and that those changes are for me and no one else. I learned that I am enough and I don't need a boy or anyone else to define me. My relationships with my friends and family have improved and I couldn't be happier. I'm not perfect, but I don't need to be. In the world that we live in it can be so hard to not compare yourself to others. Someone once told me if you compare yourself to others you will never be happy and it's true. There will always be someone smarter, skinnier, tanner and richer. Just know that you are enough, and everything gets better when you fall in love with yourself.

 

-M

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